"Let's dance to joy division,
And celebrate the irony,
Everything is going wrong,
But we're so happy" - Let's Dance To Joy Division, The Wombats
Well, it's 12:45 at night, i just got back from hockey, that song up there is stuck in my head, and I've finally decided to start writing down my thoughts. I've had a lot of them lately, not about anything in particular. Everything from "I need to start eating better" to "How do i start a conversation with that girl in my French class?" hell, even philosophical views questioning my very existence on this planet. But before I just start spilling my random thoughts into text i suppose you should know a little bit about me.
I'm a 16 year old guy from Vermont. I play Football, hockey, and run track. I'm the only child of two parents who never married. Yes, a *flower* child. I spend about half the time at my mother's house, and half the time at my father's. It can get a little hectic at times, but overall i really wouldn't change anything. Well that's really me in a nutshell, the basics anyways.
How do you tell someone that they aren't who they used to be? That they've right before your eyes changed? It's kind of a selfish thing to do. "Hey, this knew you, you've found? I don't like 'em. So change back. Now." If that doesn't come off as a bit asshole-ish, i don't know what would. Maybe it's different when that person is (or was at least) your best friend. Someone you could talk too about everything. Someone you maybe once had romantic feelings for? Or, perhaps, there even was a long history of connections between he two of you that were more then "just friends" connections. Somebody, that you had made an ass of yourself so many times for, that you were certain it just had to work. Is it being a asshole to want that person back? Whatever part of that person you actually felt like you had at least.
I guess I've always hear to never leave anything un-said. So you could say that I do have somebody I've known, that's changed, that's not the way I want them to be. But is it really my position to say something? Almost every fiber of my being has given up on what once was, and says it's time to move on. But there's still that one strand of me, deep inside, at the core, that is convinced all the good times weren't a fluke, and that it can't be over. So i keep trying to hold on. I try to talk to her, to see if by some miracle things have gone back to the way they once were. That it's all just been a bad nightmare. It's almost as if I could just cut that one strand of me out, and throw it away,that everything would be better, and I could move on. Or maybe, I just can't deal with giving up, losing hope in the one thing I could always believe in. Maybe I put all my eggs in one basket, and the basket got flipped over. Now i run around like a blind rabbit trying to collect all the pieces again.
For now, All I can say is that when i listen to what i know I should do, everything just gets worse and worse. But strangely, I find myself so happy.
So I guess I just have to let go, give up, and move on. It may suck to pick up all the eggs again, but I might as well enjoy picking them up, because they'll be knocked out again soon enough.
